I hate mowing grass

In hell, I'm quite certain that one of the tasks reserved for allergy sufferers will be mowing the grass. It has plagued me since a young age, this asscrap job of mowing. Growing up on a farm, there were hotter jobs, nastier jobs, and tougher jobs. But none reduced me to a snotty mess like riding the stupid red snapper mower (think forest gump) while mowing. Even worse was mowing the river lot, where the sand would mix with the grass to form some special kind of airborne biological weapon, capable of hanging in the air for extended periods. This childhood memory was revisited today, as I was recruited by dad to help prepare the camper lot on the river, a job he claimed would take about an hour. Luckily, I learned long ago that my dad always lies about the difficulty and length of any task (that one didn't take long to learn); 1 hour equals about half a day, give or take. This prediction turned out to be true; instead of mowing the lot with a riding mower, we should have been putting up hay. Not to bitch, I just really, really hate mowing. Justin West was spotted for the first time yesterday, oddly enough, it was at the Mt. Airy movie theater (cause its not like we have one). It is a proven fact; you will see sparta people anywhere you go, except when you really want to see them. Not that Justin West was a bad man to see, its just carrying out another proven fact of sparta living. Very similar to the situation with tyson edwards, again I missed him and was forced to leave a handwritten note on his trailer. It is shameful to show others that despite my college education, I cannot legibly write a 20 word note without misspelling at least one word. By the way, why the hell does Mt. Airy get a cookout, a Ruby Tuesday's, and a new movie theater, and we can't get a damn McDonalds?? You would be suprised just how damn fast you can go in a F-350 on a two lane road. The stiff suspension really gives that performance feel. Speaking of performance, Danica Patrick turned out to be a pretty damn good racer, and she seems deciently hot too. If you think a hot tennis player is popular, imagine how popular a hot racecar driver could be. Hello NASCAR. I take the LSAT in one week...and I probably should be practicing instead of posting to my blog. But I'm going to chalk this one up to relaxation. Beginning tommorow, I will start making the attempt to work every day; as much as I'd like to pretend, I really don't have shit else to do during the day: MTV is getting old, and Instant Messanger only works when there is actually someone to carry a conversation on with. I think I will write "LSAT" on myself, to remind myself to make myself study, and go to a quiet place, by myself, where I can focus, because let's be honest, only I can motivate...myself.

The Big Lebowski

In the movie, The Dude never actually bowls.

The cigarette girl

FIRST, a little background for those of you who do not frequent bars, and do not smoke cigarettes at those bars. Camel has one of the more interesting marketing techniques; they hand out free cigarettes, scan your id, send you junkmail coupons, etc. The people responsible for carrying out this are seemingly college age kids with massive black packs full of camel goodness (or evil, depending on your opinion of smoking.) Tuesday night, I succombed to the offer of free cigarettes at He's not; the girl noticed my address (700 bolinwood dr.) and recognized it as stratford hills, where she used to live. A short conversation ensued, Stuart made an under-his-breath comment about her large, asian titties (he was drunk, don't hold it against him), and we walked off. Skip ahead to friday: chris, grant and I are at goldies, in a high state of inebriation and who should we see but the free cigarette girl. Out on the patio she offered us some more, and suprisingly, she remebered chris and I from Tuesday night. A conversation ensued; turns out, this cigarette girl was an interesting character. Not only does she not smoke, but after a little conversation, she began to encourage us to stop smoking as well. She was a graduate of UNC, and intended to be a Physician's assistant; seems like a bit of hypocracy to give out free cigarettes while objecting to the use of them. I guess its like the stripper paying her way through college cliche. Regardless, I put the free camel lights to good use, as I made one box the 21st birthday present of Lindsay from the desk at the union, who was celebrating with her fellow 21 year old Desk employee Abby. Top O, what a place. Speaking of, the night before I finally made it to the bar with Karmen, something that had proved impossible up to this point, despite our both being of age for quite some time. Is it a bad omen that this only occurs the week before we both have to take the LSAT? Perhaps. But maybe, just maybe, its a good sign.

More on the problem

I recommend reading the NY Times article "The college Dropout Boom" (If you don't have an account, you can register; it is free and then you can read other NYT shit as well). This article first caught my attention from the location; Chilhowie isn't all that far from Sparta, and then I was further interested by the fact that my cousin just graduated from Radford (by the way, it was once an all-female school, and is still a large % female), the school Andy drops out of. However, the best portions of this article are not the stories of Andy's struggles in southwest Va, because let's be honest, Andy has it pretty good for that corner of the state. The best parts are nuggets like this one,

"In fact, though, colleges have come to reinforce many of the advantages of birth. On campuses that enroll poorer students, graduation rates are often low. And at institutions where nearly everyone graduates - small colleges like Colgate, major state institutions like the University of Colorado and elite private universities like Stanford - more students today come from the top of the nation's income ladder than they did two decades ago. Only 41 percent of low-income students entering a four-year college managed to graduate within five years, the Department of Education found in a study last year, but 66 percent of high-income students did. That gap had grown over recent years."

This is a sad fact that most don't realize, and its a larger problem than you think. It's the same old system of priviledge, but instead of being obviously biased towards the old money and status, it is now a direct result of these; kids in places like southwest virginia do not come to the table with the same tools as those growing up in richer areas. It isn't that the schools are necessarily biased against them, but in the end, higher education needs to realize that diversity is more than race, sex, and religion. Another wonderful part of the article is the focus on UVa., and if you are not familiar with the stigma (or aura, depending on your outlook) attached to that university, ask a friend (who isn't a Doctor or Lawyer) from Virginia. One of the best public schools in the country, in U.S. News' opinion; but how do they do it? By pawning off the lower class students to other state schools like ODU and Radford. As the article points out,

"Admitting large numbers of low-income students could bring clear complications. Too many in a freshman class would probably lower the college's average SAT score, thereby damaging its ranking by U.S. News & World Report, a leading arbiter of academic prestige. Some colleges, like Emory University in Atlanta, have climbed fast in the rankings over precisely the same period in which their percentage of low-income students has tumbled. The math is simple: when a college goes looking for applicants with high SAT scores, it is far more likely to find them among well-off teenagers."

If you are looking for a parallel in NC, think Appalachian, Western, etc. Not that UNC is quite as bad, but perhaps looking north of the border can give us a valuable lesson about what a Public University shouldn't be. It's also encouraging to see a publication like the New York Times focusing on this area, which is one of the poorer regions in the country; despite the vacation homes and ski resorts, there are many who struggle to make it up there. Andy had a hard time leaving, and he is a microcosm of the larger problem. Sometimes, it's just too hard to make it out.

This is kinda awesome.

So maybe it is a bit early to be excited with the summer, but so far, it seems that this will be a good, hot time. Let's review: first, I have no summer school classes, damn cool. Second, the copious amounts of active things such as basketball and bike riding that has gone down with Patrick E., Jason S., and the 2H kids. 3. Diet coke with splenda. 4. All the food. 5. Almost everyone is 21, so finally, the bars are a viable option. and 6. after the LSAT, I have no responsibilties for the rest of the summer. Of course, the dumbass managerial staff at the Union has me working 30-some hours in the second summer session. And won't it be awesome when I drop the nuclear bomb 2-week notice and fuck the schedule for the rest of the summer? Is the beat on the new Sunkist commercial kickass? Is the Missing Audi A3 commercial cool? Is it bad that I wish the car was in my driveway? Is it bad that I still don't have a blockbuster card, and don't plan on getting one soon? I bought some microwaveable eggrolls today; they were named "asian sensation". Still don't know how I feel about that one. The rest of the week will be filled with LSAT prepping, Union working, activity-ing, and let's see if we can't fit some drinkin in there to. Fuck Timewarner.

maybe a little crazy

Let us be honest for a moment; we all are confused as to the nature of our lives. Yes, I know, you are completely positive of what you will be doing in the future. Yeah, ok, I'm sure that will work out well for you. Regardless, you will get fucked at some point, and sometime, you will be confused. Here to cast no light on the problem you will face is myself. Last night, I had a dream that spiders were infesting my case of milwaukee's best. Obviously, I took it, and threw it as hard as my arm could manage. Not a fan of spiders. But that brings me to the point I realized when this dream woke me up...What if the only thing that separates the good from the bad is the simple ability to stand back and see the impact of our actions? Think about it; some can see the way their lives impact the others around them, can imagine the way that their lives will play out in respect to the other elements that are in the equation. Others live as if there is no impact, no repercussions. Either way, past this point, there is a divergence; the ones that can restrain their actions and see the impact ( Saints), and the ones that can see how they will end up, but do not have the strength to restrain themselves or help any others (Writers). Sadly, there are very few of the former, and a major excess of the latter.

(in)Validation

YES, the chaotic ordeal that was exams has ended. The dust has settled. I shaved, showered, and slept for long periods. All has returned to a normal and right state of affairs for the conduct of the summer. Perhaps you would like to know how exams went, since you are previously aquanted with the level of procrastination to which I suffer. Well friends, exams went well. Very well. Preposteriously well. I got a 3.5, which if you are keeping tabs, is the highest GPA ever recorded by alex phipps in an alex phipps-style semester (which means 12 hours of random bullshit classes). How could this happen? You are saying now, "Alex, I know you didn't read any of the books for that philosophy class, and the test was cumulative!" You would be right in saying that. You might also say, "Alex, I know your computer messed up in the middle of your English final, there is no way you did good with that sort of complication!" Again, you would be correct in putting forth that statement. So, to explain how someone that perennially puts off work and study can achieve this level of mediocracy, there is only one possible conclusion (excluding cheating, of course). You might think that answer is that I am a brilliant last-minute studier, or lucky-as-hell bastard. No, not true. The truth is, College is bullshit. This semester proves it, beyond all shadow of a doubt, the complete structure of college, testing, exams, papers, and finals. Invalidated, because of the obvious success within the system of a person such as myself who should obviously fail. So there you have it; I fully expect for the entire system to come to a grinding halt as soon as this mistake is pointed out to the controlling parties, and I'm sure I will be rejected, back to the GPA purgatory from which I came. But until that happens, I will enjoy the momentary suprise and excitement of the parents; "Oh boy, maybe Alex won't be a failure after all (they have known since quite early I was destined for failure)! We can really use that room for a study." Somewhere, my hated english teacher Mrs. Bost is wondering why she spent her life's work teaching kids how to write papers and prepare for college, when an obvious dumbass such as myself can succeed; she was never a fan of seeing us studying at the lunch table before her class, because it indicated clearly we had not prepared for that vocabulary quiz. In short, I expect the repercussions to echo throughout the educational system. On an unrelated note; Do you think Oprah was the one responsible for bringing about the massive campaign to stop Jerry Springer and the fights on his show? If we all remeber, she did not claim top daytime TV status until AFTER Jerry was out of the way. And we also know she has more money that God (why would god have any money at all, actually?). Hmmm, something to ponder.

hmmm....I guess I am crazy.

You're One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest!

by Ken Kesey

You're crazy. This has led people to attempt to confine you to a safe
place so that you don't pose a danger to yourself or others. You feel like you pose a
great danger to the man (or maybe the woman) or whatever else is keeping you down. But
most of the time, you just end up being observed. Were you crazy before you were
confined?


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

And I'm spent.

OVER, done and completed. Ahh, this has been quite the semester. And now that it is over, I am finally realizing how much shit actually happened this semester, and how bored I am sitting on my couch in the middle of the afternoon, in the sweltering heat, with a slight ache in the front of my head and a strange red bump under my eye. Perfect time to fuck around on the blog. Let's be honest for a moment; it is amazing to me the sheer volume of alcohol consumed this semester by myself and my companions. It isn't like I never drank before, it's simply the fact that now I can trade money for beer or liquor in a legal, capitalistic, purely american fashion, without fear of prosecution. I really think I have been the worst procrastinator this semester, but I kept putting off actually doing something about it, and now the semester is over; ironically, perhaps this will be one of the better semesters grade wise. Remeber that computer meltdown exam fiasco mentioned in the previous post? Turns out, out of a possible 200 points on the exam, I got 199. Perhaps I am awesome, or perhaps the professor took it easy on my exam because of said fiasco, but either way, I got an A. Yessss! I also realized that i have put off cleaning and rearranging 40H indefinately; we have food that predates the paul era, the john era even, all the way back to the Jessica era of 40H evolution. I can no longer focus on anything for extended periods; I'm struggling to make it through the rest of this post without distraction from AIM or TV. It amazes me to think about how long ago I started school, and how long ago I began putting things off. How I used to suck at focus, just like I suck now. I was shorter, I had blonde hair at various points, I didn't shave, I couldn't drive. Instead of working at the Union, I worked for Dad on the hell-farm, growing Tobacco instead of Peppers out on my porch. But consistently, I put work off, I procrastinated, I ate dinner in front of the Television because I would become too bored eating at the table and couldn't stand it any longer. I used to hate summer; perhaps I still do to some effect. I tell people it is because of the heat, but thats not all that I dislike. I hate the boredom, and the lack of activity, especially back when I had to rely on parents for transportation. Nothing happens, the day is too hot to do anything, the only highlight is night time, and that's only good if you have the right crowd. And then there are the storms. It rained almost every day for a two month period when I worked at Roaring Gap; at some point, you would think God would get tired of throwing the same old torrential downpour/thunderstorm/15 degree drop in temperature/abrupt end and humidity of almost 100%, creating a sticky hell routine. I guess that was what the drout in 2002 was about; evening the lineup a little. Either way, summer is here, I'm on the couch, I guess no matter how much things change, me putting things off will be a constant.

Ah, Good Times.

Diet Coke now comes in a splenda version, damn isn't it about time? Personally I am a fan of the old school; but the close resemblance to real coke is striking. I found this out on the way to my first exam today, English 42: Movie Criticism, otherwise known as the best class in the whole world. Being experienced with the exam format, I expected a fairly straightforward exam period, a little typing, some bullshitting, and a quick exit. Yes, typing, because in this class, we use the SecureExam computer bluebook program. Basically a modified word window, it seems fairly stable and quite the effective method of test taking. Rolling along, I had completed 5 of the 10 questions, was feeling fairly confident, and was bordering on cocky assurance of a good exam knocked out early. I pressed the shift button to begin typing #6. Then, a friendly little window popped up, letting me know that an I/O error had occurred. Thank you little window, I appreciate the news. Now go away, I have more test to take. But after I closed the window, another came, this one much larger, informing me that an unauthorized shutdown of SecureExam Student Edition 4.01 had occurred. Ok...not so appreciative of this window, but I clicked the comforting "ok", expecting something to occur. Well, this prompted another window, and perhaps 4 of his friends, to begin an all-out orgy on my screen, followed by a strange fade to flat white. Needless to say, I was suprised and quite interested as to the nature of this computer malfunction, and also the condition that my half-completed exam was in. The hand went up, and my TA Maura came over; the look of amazment on her face let me know we were out of regular exam territory. We quickly proceeded to the front of the room, where Todd Taylor the professor stood. After taking a look at the computer, he called for a cellphone, "we need the ATN guy". Oh great, ATN, they always take care of the problems. Well in this case, I should not have been so pessimistic, the guy that came was the overall administrator for the bluebook program on campus. While all this excitement is going on, everyone else is writing answers, and obviously, the clock is still ticking away. Todd handed me a bluebook, and said, Just start writing. Yes! yes yes yes, just what I wanted to do, write all the shit I already typed over again. With my shitty mechanical pencil, which was the only writing utensil Left in the backpack of devastation...Great. I return to my desk, to sympathetic looks all around from the group I sit with. I begin to bust out answers, fast. Superfast. Like handcramp fast. Here comes the ATN man, does he have my computer fixed? No, he just needs my password, because he has finally discovered how to restart the computer. This is going so well. Still busting out answers, its now 2:00. The exam ends at 3, and although I am fairly positive I have a case for extended time, my hand is reaching the point of complete failure. Again the man returns, he needs the password one more time. Restart again. He's now in the back row, my hopes are rising. He returns one more time, this time he has it fixed. However, the program is gone, now I'm in Oldschool word, my computer is running in some strange safe mode, and my wonderful background, "Marissa Miller-Swimsuit Edition" has been replaced by a flat red screen. But no worries, I quickly bang out the last 5 answers, still finish before 3. I call over Mr. ATN, to see what I should do with this random word file. He takes it on his little USB memory key; but not before giving me a look of utter amazement and saying, "hey man, I didn't want to say this before you finished, but i just wanted to let you know. That's the hardest thing I've ever had to do with a computer. I'm amazed it worked out." He awkwardly patted my shoulder, with a look of exhausted pride, like a man who had just conquered his own personal Everest. I said thanks, not really sure what else to say, since I'm sure he realizes that he held my exam life in his hands like an open-heart surgeon. He says, "hope you don't have any more exams after this, that would be rough as hell." Well actually, I have two. "Oh, well, good luck man."
That's right folks, it never goes normally around here. But in the end it was pretty damn funny (after I had sweated and cramped up my hand), and the Diet Coke with spenda, well, its the shit.

How to distroy yourself: Simple, Easy, and Effective.

Make the trek to the library, making sure to go at a time when it is sure to be most crowded with other worried students who are obsessed with 4.0's. As you walk, think about how humiliating it will be to explain the first B- of your life to your parents, working your mind into a fever pitch and twisting your stomach into knots of anxiety. On the way, stop by for a pack of cigarettes and a diet coke; use these to wash down the aderal that will keep you focused in the library for 10 hours. As you roll into the ground floor, be sure to pick a spot under the florescent light that flickers most; perhaps one that emits the insane-asylum buzz of faulty engineering. Even though your exams have no internet content, make sure you connect the ethernet cord, because obviously, you will not be able to use the computer without Instant Messanger. Opening the laptop, go ahead and check your email account, since you will likely have messages of doom from your professor and fellow classmates that cannot wait to be read. Then, spend some time creating a dark and pessimistic away message, sure to garner sympathy from your fellow sufferers. Just to make sure the away message is dark enough to inspire empathy, go ahead and check everyone on your buddy list, noting other unique and saddening calls for attention. Since this has taken quite some time, go ahead and take a bathroom break, that first diet coke has probably already worked its way through your system and the caffeine is an effective diuretic. Since you are up, might as well take a cigarette break, and buy another drink, because the terrible taste of burning tobacco isn't condusive to learning. On the way back, stop to talk to your friend about how many exams you have, how close they are together, and the terrible luck of all of them being cumulative. Go ahead and take a lunch break with said friend, and be sure to splurge on the fattiest fried foods you can find, since you need fuel for all the studying. After lunch, you are quite tired, so its time for cigarettes again, and perhaps another check of the email. Finally, you rush through some composition on your paper, which is due so much sooner than you had originally thought, and be sure not to worry about the squiggly green and red lines under the text you are hurriedly producing, since obviously your professor won't be grading for grammar. Since the aderal seems to have worn off, it must be time to call it a day, and you exhaustedly haul your backpack of learning back home, and sleep the dead sleep of those on a caffeine low. Be sure to set the alarm unrealistically early, so that you have plenty of chances to hit the Snooze bar. Repeat for the entirety of exam week, and you should be in such shambles that it will take you the rest of the summer to recover, just in time for fall semester. Enjoy!
(obviously, this is not my approach to exams. I would never ignore the squiggly lines...)

And while you're in a reading mood...

Please also read The Diamond as big as the Ritz, another excellent story. (if you are wondering, I used to have these in a short story collection, and they were two of my favorites, I enjoy the twisted nature of this one.)

May Day

IF you would rather not study, then read the story by Mr. F. Scott Fitzgerald. It's a little dark, but quite entertaining.

Maybe...I'm a Nerd

But, I find it amazingly fun to read Chris's geography papers when drinking and point out mistakes and awkwardness of grammar. It sounds assholish, but hey, everyone thinks I'm an asshole anyway. I also like to have discussions of Supreme Court cases with Dan Findlay, and alcohol inhances this process as well. It seems that thinking just goes better when drinking, and the inhibitions towards honest discussion are reduced considerably. Also, I am a nerd for being excited to return to my once and future 2nd home, Davis library. As you may remeber, last semester I spent an epic week crafting a 35 pg paper on the 1966 civil rights act for the great one, Prof. Terry Sullivan. Here we are, a semester later, and I will be crafting a 12-14 pager on House rules of order for the same man. Is this crazy? Perhaps you would think so, but let me explain further; Do the research, don't use the to be verb (easier than you think), don't string together prepositional phrases, and you have what will likely be an A. Not just an A on the paper; an A overall in the class. Not to mention he is perhaps the most adept professor at incorporating profanity into his lectures I have ever seen. And once you take on a mountain like that, you realize you can deal with just about any bullshit paper thrown your way. It is also great to go to davis and illegally download music with myTunes, drink about 10 diet cokes, and generally neglect all the necessary nutritional requirements for your body to function. But I do not take it to extremes as some of the "supernerds" do. Obviously, if I did, I would have the paper and all the readings for my other exams completed, and would simply be reviewing. It is a strange and difficult lifestyle we procrastinators live; however, we watch a hell of alot more MTV and Comedy Central than you normals, and also get a good deal of AIM time in too. Just imagine the productivity that would occur if all the procrastinators went at it as hard as they do the night before, only 2 months in advance; the world would never be the same. Don't hit the snooze bar, and don't go to the Union. That is all.